Mental Health, Uni Life.

An Update About What’s Going On So Far

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So since orientation, I felt like my asthma symptoms got worse, right?

Then this week, I felt so feverish, and having to practice for talent show didn’t help at all.

My body just broke down and I had to take a break from everything.

Thank God there was a public holiday on Wednesday because I was able to rest the whole day then. But before that, on Tuesday, I stayed back to practice for my talent show under the drizzle, before meeting the rest for Vocal Flash Mob practice at 6 pm. I felt feverish and had to take 2 tablets of panadol.

So, I rested on Wednesday and Thursday, then on Friday, I had to go for a make-up lecture. On that day as well, my mom flew off to Penang with my aunts.

I just broke down emotionally because I felt so lonely, and it amplified since I wasn’t feeling well. I tried so hard not to cry since last Thursday (mom was on night shift so I couldn’t see her ever since she went off to work since I went to school the next day and she had to fly off before I finished my class) but tear started to just roll out last night after I woke up from my 3-hour nap.

I’ve never felt so lonely before and maybe it’s mainly due to my health condition since I was pretty super sensitive.

I guess the past few days including today, describes that my mental health is pretty much on a downside as well besides my physical health?

I know I couldn’t update as much as before ever since I started uni but I really need to jot this down, just so that I can refer to this back for my next appointment with my psychiatrist.

I have to continue with my assignment now. I will try to blog as much as I can!

Hwaiting!

 

p/s: There’s supposed to be Music Club today but I took the time off so that I can rest and complete my assignments. I deserve the rest and the isolation somehow, from people since having to face people when I’m in such condition, tend to be too much for me.

Mental Health, Uni Life.

Update: I can’t be bothered.

Don’t ever think that I get things easy
Don’t even think that I get what I want just because I had ‘experience’
I have no experience before I joined my current company as a freelance enrichment teacher
I’ve told you so many times but you kept insisting that I had one
Saying that I get relief class easily during my first 3 months because I was experienced.
I don’t know which part of my sentence you don’t understand
Whether you understand simple English
Because I am frustrated.

I understand that you are insecure, and you have all those unnecessary thoughts on how you might never get classes since you are considered in ad-hoc
But by saying that I got things easy in the past pissed me off big time
You didn’t even reply to my messages, that’s one
But you replied to XE in the group chat, that’s two

I honestly feel like I’ve given you a lot of encouragement and advises, that you’ve taken granted of
When I messaged about our ppt since we have to do it this coming Wednesday, then you replied me but only for that message, that’s three
You’ve been heavily depending on me and not ashamed of saying that you really rely on me, that’s four
I am not perfect. I might need your help too especially since I’m quite forgetful, but nope I couldn’t rely on you, that’s five
The girls you told me are “weird” just because they are different from the others?
They are the ones who have helped me out and are such kind angels.

E helped to correct my task out when she saw a mistake in my post in the Discussion Board.
She also helped to clarify my doubts even though she doesn’t know as well. 
M is such a positive and calm girl, we have something in common!
She struggled with depression, anorexia, and bulimia. 
I am struggling with bipolar disorder.
In a way, we have/had mental disorders and that made us clicked.
Both E and M are such encouraging souls.
As friends, we need to depend and rely on each other.
We need to encourage and motivate one another.
When it is one-sided, that’s not called friendship.
That’s just making use of a person for your own good.

I don’t know how I have to face you again on Tuesday,
But you know what?
I’m just going to let it go.
Whatever happens, happens
Because I’m in uni to study and to be a better-skilled and educated teacher
And I know I won’t be alone since I’ve made friends with everyone 

Mental Health, My Daily Life.

Nightmare -> Anniversary

So I woke up from a nightmare (I guess?) and my head hurts ever since.

My heart was beating so fast, I had to calm myself down a bit before entering the washroom.

I dreamt that i had to be in a machine and somehow something hooked at the bottom of the machine to carry us up to a tower…

So can you imagine? We were basically being dragged up in the air by the bottom of our machine, and we were literally hanging upside down.

And then when the loop at the sides have to be hooked onto the tower, the announcement said, "You can close your eyes and you won't fell so scared."

After a while, everything was still and I heard someone guiding us out.

I opened my eyes and I saw that we were already in the restaurant's balcony and mannnn…

The view was beautiful!

It was so high up in the sky, it's the same level as the fluffy clouds!

I looked at the spread of the buffet and it looked definitely scrumptious.

But I woke up with my heart beating so fast because it still wouldn't stop despite reaching the restaurant safely.

And then when I wanted to update Boyfriend about it, I realised today is our 1st year anniversary!

He had a long text with a video to wish me Happy 1st Anniversary! ❤️🌸

I planned to make a wish but I fall asleep instead 😕

Anyway, I'm so blessed to know that we manage to pull through for 12months. Long distance relationship can take a toll on us but our love is so bold, we manage to overcome certain challenges coolly.

Thank You, God, for guiding us through and never forgetting our relationship 🙏🏼🌸❤️

Mental Health, My Daily Life., Teaching., Uni Life.

I am competitive.

I may look like I don’t care

I may keep quiet as friends start to compare marks with each other

It’s not because I can’t be bothered,

But, I just wish to leave that course as soon as possible.

It was never my passion to be a Food Technologist.

However, when I started entering uni

Not only did I become organised but I’ve been trying my best to be as efficient as I can be

Studying daily, something that I’ve never done in my whole entire life before this

Making sure I score at least a Distinction for tasks and assignments

Giving my all in all school work.

I am competitive.

Because what I’m doing now is my passion

And studying for me now is both a want and a need.

Mental Health, My Daily Life., Uni Life.

A Little Update…

Hey guys!

Omg I know I have not been blogging as frequently as before ever since I started uni! I really apologise for that! I swear it seems impossible to find extra time for blogging every day when I have to study every day after school (heck sometimes there’s not enough time to do homework!)

So, how was school so far?

Hmm besides feeling intimidated by the innumerable amounts of tasks, assignments and quizzes, I feel that it’s okay as long as I am consistent in my daily study routine. I did feel overwhelmed especially today when I spent the whole day at school but I believe I can continue with where I’ve stopped, tomorrow since I have no lesson tomorrow!

Tonight, I can’t make myself study because my mind is overloaded with a lot of things that I really need rest. I’ll probably spend most of my time tomorrow to study, and revise! I have yet to make study notes for 3 modules in total, and homework for 2 modules as well.

So I’ll just organise and plan the things I need to do tmr so that i won’t miss out anything, and that I won’t be too stressed!

I might not be able to update my blog as often, probably 1-2x a week, but I appreciate those who always dropped by to read!

Thank you so much xo

Mental Health

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I’m trying to feel fine I’m trying to feel better but I just broke down and I can’t stop crying my eyes out
why cant you see that this is hard for me?

Ive been distracting myself, trying to act strong, trying to be happy and cheerful but deep inside, I wish someone were to kill me right now so that I don’t have to feel the pain

You think being suicidal will go away overnight?

You think I will be fine in a few days’ time?

I feel so numb and empty you don’t even realise…

You think it’s easy for me to open up my feelings?

Ask anyone and they’ll know how I love to hide my feelings from them and I will always surprise them with either hospitalisation or my ‘sudden’ horrible breakdown

You know, I would love to trust someone, especially you, but after what you did 2 days ago, I just can’t

It’s so hard for me

You think that by keeping things to myself, I’m trying to attack you but you don’t understand

I’m afraid of your response

I’m afraid that you will hurt me again

Prove to me that you won’t

Prove to me

Can you?

How can I open up to you again when you’ve already hurt me this bad?

How can you be angry at me for that when you’re the one who broke me?

Can you even use your brains to even think that you should prove to me that you’re not like that?

You think you’ve done everything but your response still haunts me every minute of my day.

Prove to me even if it’s going to take weeks, months or years

Do you even love me that much to be able to do that?

Mental Health, My Daily Life., Uni Life.

stressed.

I’m left with one module to download all the 13 weeks’ worth of lecture notes and tutorials into my laptop.

Yes, I spent the whole day downloading files after files.

I guess you can say I’m pretty productive?

but i’ve not showered for 2 days now… and i still feel empty inside

Tomorrow around 6pm, I will be watching Spiderman with mom and her colleagues. I don’t even know if I’m in the mood to do so.

i’m stressed and i still have suicidal ideation
i’m sorry for not being normal and perfect
i wish i can sink into the depths of the earth and just disappear