Mental Health

I want to die.

It’s better this way.

To save my relationship, it’s better to bottle things in and not burden him anymore.

I don’t want to be triggered.

Neither do I want to trigger him.

 

 

How can I be so weak…?

Crying when I’m supposed to be studying

I’m so tired I feel like dying.

I can’t find motivation anymore…

I’ve been trying so hard to be strong, so hard to hold on,

But I can’t anymore.

I thought I will not have any suicidal thoughts anymore but no…

I really want to die.

Can I just jump down…

Will I be brave enough to do so?

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Mental Health

I can’t.

I’ve been anxious this past week or so and it’s getting worse, especially when I have asthma.

I’ve been trying to cope on my own, thinking that I will feel better enough to study after my shower but nope.

I got triggered and everything just crumbled in front of my eyes.

I was holding on so hard but who knew that someone so special could have pierced you right into your heart with a rusty sword…

And trying to pull your brain out of your skull.

I don’t need any more worries.

I don’t need any more pressure.

Don’t “try and remind” me about “how I have to deal with this in the future” and “need me to do something about it”.

Why are you so rude?

Adding fuel to fire is your forte I believe?

That’s it.

My walls are built high now.

Telling you what I’ve been feeling hoping you understand and care is my biggest mistake.

Don’t. Blame. Me.

Mental Health, Uni Life.

Recess Week!

It’s recess week already~ Woohoo, I can catch up on school a bit more and finish as many assignments as I can.  There will be a make-up class on Wednesday and I have to go to school earlier anyway to prepare for our microteaching next week so….

I’m so happy that I’m almost done with my part for Mathematics and Numeracy assignment. I like to get things done so that I can continue with re-writing my study notes this week!

Goals for this week:

  • Complete assignments
  • Finish up writing study notes for all

LET’S DO THIS!

Mental Health, Uni Life.

An Update About What’s Going On So Far

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So since orientation, I felt like my asthma symptoms got worse, right?

Then this week, I felt so feverish, and having to practice for talent show didn’t help at all.

My body just broke down and I had to take a break from everything.

Thank God there was a public holiday on Wednesday because I was able to rest the whole day then. But before that, on Tuesday, I stayed back to practice for my talent show under the drizzle, before meeting the rest for Vocal Flash Mob practice at 6 pm. I felt feverish and had to take 2 tablets of panadol.

So, I rested on Wednesday and Thursday, then on Friday, I had to go for a make-up lecture. On that day as well, my mom flew off to Penang with my aunts.

I just broke down emotionally because I felt so lonely, and it amplified since I wasn’t feeling well. I tried so hard not to cry since last Thursday (mom was on night shift so I couldn’t see her ever since she went off to work since I went to school the next day and she had to fly off before I finished my class) but tear started to just roll out last night after I woke up from my 3-hour nap.

I’ve never felt so lonely before and maybe it’s mainly due to my health condition since I was pretty super sensitive.

I guess the past few days including today, describes that my mental health is pretty much on a downside as well besides my physical health?

I know I couldn’t update as much as before ever since I started uni but I really need to jot this down, just so that I can refer to this back for my next appointment with my psychiatrist.

I have to continue with my assignment now. I will try to blog as much as I can!

Hwaiting!

 

p/s: There’s supposed to be Music Club today but I took the time off so that I can rest and complete my assignments. I deserve the rest and the isolation somehow, from people since having to face people when I’m in such condition, tend to be too much for me.

Mental Health, Uni Life.

Update: I can’t be bothered.

Don’t ever think that I get things easy
Don’t even think that I get what I want just because I had ‘experience’
I have no experience before I joined my current company as a freelance enrichment teacher
I’ve told you so many times but you kept insisting that I had one
Saying that I get relief class easily during my first 3 months because I was experienced.
I don’t know which part of my sentence you don’t understand
Whether you understand simple English
Because I am frustrated.

I understand that you are insecure, and you have all those unnecessary thoughts on how you might never get classes since you are considered in ad-hoc
But by saying that I got things easy in the past pissed me off big time
You didn’t even reply to my messages, that’s one
But you replied to XE in the group chat, that’s two

I honestly feel like I’ve given you a lot of encouragement and advises, that you’ve taken granted of
When I messaged about our ppt since we have to do it this coming Wednesday, then you replied me but only for that message, that’s three
You’ve been heavily depending on me and not ashamed of saying that you really rely on me, that’s four
I am not perfect. I might need your help too especially since I’m quite forgetful, but nope I couldn’t rely on you, that’s five
The girls you told me are “weird” just because they are different from the others?
They are the ones who have helped me out and are such kind angels.

E helped to correct my task out when she saw a mistake in my post in the Discussion Board.
She also helped to clarify my doubts even though she doesn’t know as well. 
M is such a positive and calm girl, we have something in common!
She struggled with depression, anorexia, and bulimia. 
I am struggling with bipolar disorder.
In a way, we have/had mental disorders and that made us clicked.
Both E and M are such encouraging souls.
As friends, we need to depend and rely on each other.
We need to encourage and motivate one another.
When it is one-sided, that’s not called friendship.
That’s just making use of a person for your own good.

I don’t know how I have to face you again on Tuesday,
But you know what?
I’m just going to let it go.
Whatever happens, happens
Because I’m in uni to study and to be a better-skilled and educated teacher
And I know I won’t be alone since I’ve made friends with everyone 

Mental Health, My Daily Life.

Nightmare -> Anniversary

So I woke up from a nightmare (I guess?) and my head hurts ever since.

My heart was beating so fast, I had to calm myself down a bit before entering the washroom.

I dreamt that i had to be in a machine and somehow something hooked at the bottom of the machine to carry us up to a tower…

So can you imagine? We were basically being dragged up in the air by the bottom of our machine, and we were literally hanging upside down.

And then when the loop at the sides have to be hooked onto the tower, the announcement said, "You can close your eyes and you won't fell so scared."

After a while, everything was still and I heard someone guiding us out.

I opened my eyes and I saw that we were already in the restaurant's balcony and mannnn…

The view was beautiful!

It was so high up in the sky, it's the same level as the fluffy clouds!

I looked at the spread of the buffet and it looked definitely scrumptious.

But I woke up with my heart beating so fast because it still wouldn't stop despite reaching the restaurant safely.

And then when I wanted to update Boyfriend about it, I realised today is our 1st year anniversary!

He had a long text with a video to wish me Happy 1st Anniversary! ❤️🌸

I planned to make a wish but I fall asleep instead 😕

Anyway, I'm so blessed to know that we manage to pull through for 12months. Long distance relationship can take a toll on us but our love is so bold, we manage to overcome certain challenges coolly.

Thank You, God, for guiding us through and never forgetting our relationship 🙏🏼🌸❤️

Mental Health, My Daily Life., Teaching., Uni Life.

I am competitive.

I may look like I don’t care

I may keep quiet as friends start to compare marks with each other

It’s not because I can’t be bothered,

But, I just wish to leave that course as soon as possible.

It was never my passion to be a Food Technologist.

However, when I started entering uni

Not only did I become organised but I’ve been trying my best to be as efficient as I can be

Studying daily, something that I’ve never done in my whole entire life before this

Making sure I score at least a Distinction for tasks and assignments

Giving my all in all school work.

I am competitive.

Because what I’m doing now is my passion

And studying for me now is both a want and a need.