Mental Health

I want to die.

It’s better this way.

To save my relationship, it’s better to bottle things in and not burden him anymore.

I don’t want to be triggered.

Neither do I want to trigger him.

 

 

How can I be so weak…?

Crying when I’m supposed to be studying

I’m so tired I feel like dying.

I can’t find motivation anymore…

I’ve been trying so hard to be strong, so hard to hold on,

But I can’t anymore.

I thought I will not have any suicidal thoughts anymore but no…

I really want to die.

Can I just jump down…

Will I be brave enough to do so?

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Mental Health

I can’t.

I’ve been anxious this past week or so and it’s getting worse, especially when I have asthma.

I’ve been trying to cope on my own, thinking that I will feel better enough to study after my shower but nope.

I got triggered and everything just crumbled in front of my eyes.

I was holding on so hard but who knew that someone so special could have pierced you right into your heart with a rusty sword…

And trying to pull your brain out of your skull.

I don’t need any more worries.

I don’t need any more pressure.

Don’t “try and remind” me about “how I have to deal with this in the future” and “need me to do something about it”.

Why are you so rude?

Adding fuel to fire is your forte I believe?

That’s it.

My walls are built high now.

Telling you what I’ve been feeling hoping you understand and care is my biggest mistake.

Don’t. Blame. Me.

Mental Health, Uni Life.

Recess Week!

It’s recess week already~ Woohoo, I can catch up on school a bit more and finish as many assignments as I can.  There will be a make-up class on Wednesday and I have to go to school earlier anyway to prepare for our microteaching next week so….

I’m so happy that I’m almost done with my part for Mathematics and Numeracy assignment. I like to get things done so that I can continue with re-writing my study notes this week!

Goals for this week:

  • Complete assignments
  • Finish up writing study notes for all

LET’S DO THIS!

Mental Health, Uni Life.

An Update About What’s Going On So Far

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So since orientation, I felt like my asthma symptoms got worse, right?

Then this week, I felt so feverish, and having to practice for talent show didn’t help at all.

My body just broke down and I had to take a break from everything.

Thank God there was a public holiday on Wednesday because I was able to rest the whole day then. But before that, on Tuesday, I stayed back to practice for my talent show under the drizzle, before meeting the rest for Vocal Flash Mob practice at 6 pm. I felt feverish and had to take 2 tablets of panadol.

So, I rested on Wednesday and Thursday, then on Friday, I had to go for a make-up lecture. On that day as well, my mom flew off to Penang with my aunts.

I just broke down emotionally because I felt so lonely, and it amplified since I wasn’t feeling well. I tried so hard not to cry since last Thursday (mom was on night shift so I couldn’t see her ever since she went off to work since I went to school the next day and she had to fly off before I finished my class) but tear started to just roll out last night after I woke up from my 3-hour nap.

I’ve never felt so lonely before and maybe it’s mainly due to my health condition since I was pretty super sensitive.

I guess the past few days including today, describes that my mental health is pretty much on a downside as well besides my physical health?

I know I couldn’t update as much as before ever since I started uni but I really need to jot this down, just so that I can refer to this back for my next appointment with my psychiatrist.

I have to continue with my assignment now. I will try to blog as much as I can!

Hwaiting!

 

p/s: There’s supposed to be Music Club today but I took the time off so that I can rest and complete my assignments. I deserve the rest and the isolation somehow, from people since having to face people when I’m in such condition, tend to be too much for me.

My Daily Life.

Asthma symptoms getting worse?

I have a feeling that it’s mainly due to my diet since I ate a lot of instant noodles the past week along with cold drinks since orientation 3 weeks ago!

I kinda panicked when I get shortness of breath, having to use a rescue inhaler, ventolin, 2x a day!

Until I remember… MANUKA HONEY! I have more than 1kg worth of Manuka Honey in my pantry and I’ve been lazy to take it ever since my symptoms have improved.

Shouldn’t have done that!

So now, I’m going to prepare myself a pretty hot Manuka honey drink for school later, and maybe I will be bringing that from today onwards!

Mental Health, My Daily Life.

Nightmare -> Anniversary

So I woke up from a nightmare (I guess?) and my head hurts ever since.

My heart was beating so fast, I had to calm myself down a bit before entering the washroom.

I dreamt that i had to be in a machine and somehow something hooked at the bottom of the machine to carry us up to a tower…

So can you imagine? We were basically being dragged up in the air by the bottom of our machine, and we were literally hanging upside down.

And then when the loop at the sides have to be hooked onto the tower, the announcement said, "You can close your eyes and you won't fell so scared."

After a while, everything was still and I heard someone guiding us out.

I opened my eyes and I saw that we were already in the restaurant's balcony and mannnn…

The view was beautiful!

It was so high up in the sky, it's the same level as the fluffy clouds!

I looked at the spread of the buffet and it looked definitely scrumptious.

But I woke up with my heart beating so fast because it still wouldn't stop despite reaching the restaurant safely.

And then when I wanted to update Boyfriend about it, I realised today is our 1st year anniversary!

He had a long text with a video to wish me Happy 1st Anniversary! ❤️🌸

I planned to make a wish but I fall asleep instead 😕

Anyway, I'm so blessed to know that we manage to pull through for 12months. Long distance relationship can take a toll on us but our love is so bold, we manage to overcome certain challenges coolly.

Thank You, God, for guiding us through and never forgetting our relationship 🙏🏼🌸❤️

Mental Health, My Daily Life., Uni Life.

A Little Update…

Hey guys!

Omg I know I have not been blogging as frequently as before ever since I started uni! I really apologise for that! I swear it seems impossible to find extra time for blogging every day when I have to study every day after school (heck sometimes there’s not enough time to do homework!)

So, how was school so far?

Hmm besides feeling intimidated by the innumerable amounts of tasks, assignments and quizzes, I feel that it’s okay as long as I am consistent in my daily study routine. I did feel overwhelmed especially today when I spent the whole day at school but I believe I can continue with where I’ve stopped, tomorrow since I have no lesson tomorrow!

Tonight, I can’t make myself study because my mind is overloaded with a lot of things that I really need rest. I’ll probably spend most of my time tomorrow to study, and revise! I have yet to make study notes for 3 modules in total, and homework for 2 modules as well.

So I’ll just organise and plan the things I need to do tmr so that i won’t miss out anything, and that I won’t be too stressed!

I might not be able to update my blog as often, probably 1-2x a week, but I appreciate those who always dropped by to read!

Thank you so much xo