Mental Health, Uni Life.

An Update About What’s Going On So Far

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So since orientation, I felt like my asthma symptoms got worse, right?

Then this week, I felt so feverish, and having to practice for talent show didn’t help at all.

My body just broke down and I had to take a break from everything.

Thank God there was a public holiday on Wednesday because I was able to rest the whole day then. But before that, on Tuesday, I stayed back to practice for my talent show under the drizzle, before meeting the rest for Vocal Flash Mob practice at 6 pm. I felt feverish and had to take 2 tablets of panadol.

So, I rested on Wednesday and Thursday, then on Friday, I had to go for a make-up lecture. On that day as well, my mom flew off to Penang with my aunts.

I just broke down emotionally because I felt so lonely, and it amplified since I wasn’t feeling well. I tried so hard not to cry since last Thursday (mom was on night shift so I couldn’t see her ever since she went off to work since I went to school the next day and she had to fly off before I finished my class) but tear started to just roll out last night after I woke up from my 3-hour nap.

I’ve never felt so lonely before and maybe it’s mainly due to my health condition since I was pretty super sensitive.

I guess the past few days including today, describes that my mental health is pretty much on a downside as well besides my physical health?

I know I couldn’t update as much as before ever since I started uni but I really need to jot this down, just so that I can refer to this back for my next appointment with my psychiatrist.

I have to continue with my assignment now. I will try to blog as much as I can!

Hwaiting!

 

p/s: There’s supposed to be Music Club today but I took the time off so that I can rest and complete my assignments. I deserve the rest and the isolation somehow, from people since having to face people when I’m in such condition, tend to be too much for me.

Mental Health

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I’m trying to feel fine I’m trying to feel better but I just broke down and I can’t stop crying my eyes out
why cant you see that this is hard for me?

Ive been distracting myself, trying to act strong, trying to be happy and cheerful but deep inside, I wish someone were to kill me right now so that I don’t have to feel the pain

You think being suicidal will go away overnight?

You think I will be fine in a few days’ time?

I feel so numb and empty you don’t even realise…

You think it’s easy for me to open up my feelings?

Ask anyone and they’ll know how I love to hide my feelings from them and I will always surprise them with either hospitalisation or my ‘sudden’ horrible breakdown

You know, I would love to trust someone, especially you, but after what you did 2 days ago, I just can’t

It’s so hard for me

You think that by keeping things to myself, I’m trying to attack you but you don’t understand

I’m afraid of your response

I’m afraid that you will hurt me again

Prove to me that you won’t

Prove to me

Can you?

How can I open up to you again when you’ve already hurt me this bad?

How can you be angry at me for that when you’re the one who broke me?

Can you even use your brains to even think that you should prove to me that you’re not like that?

You think you’ve done everything but your response still haunts me every minute of my day.

Prove to me even if it’s going to take weeks, months or years

Do you even love me that much to be able to do that?

Mental Health, My Daily Life., Uni Life.

stressed.

I’m left with one module to download all the 13 weeks’ worth of lecture notes and tutorials into my laptop.

Yes, I spent the whole day downloading files after files.

I guess you can say I’m pretty productive?

but i’ve not showered for 2 days now… and i still feel empty inside

Tomorrow around 6pm, I will be watching Spiderman with mom and her colleagues. I don’t even know if I’m in the mood to do so.

i’m stressed and i still have suicidal ideation
i’m sorry for not being normal and perfect
i wish i can sink into the depths of the earth and just disappear

Mental Health

i didn’t eat lunch
neither did i eat dinner
i only ate a few prawns at 1800h, and that’s just because i was forcing myself so that i can take my meds
i want to stay in bed all day and night
but i have a lot of things needed to be done
i still feel suicidal
i still feel like the world has crumbled down in front of my eyes
however, i still want to do the things that i need to do
my stomach is aching probably due to gastric
and sadly, it actually numbs the pain that’s been throbbing in my head

i just want to end this pain
this suffering
as soon as possible
no one wants me alive anyway