Mental Health

I want to die.

It’s better this way.

To save my relationship, it’s better to bottle things in and not burden him anymore.

I don’t want to be triggered.

Neither do I want to trigger him.

 

 

How can I be so weak…?

Crying when I’m supposed to be studying

I’m so tired I feel like dying.

I can’t find motivation anymore…

I’ve been trying so hard to be strong, so hard to hold on,

But I can’t anymore.

I thought I will not have any suicidal thoughts anymore but no…

I really want to die.

Can I just jump down…

Will I be brave enough to do so?

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Mental Health, Uni Life.

Update: I can’t be bothered.

Don’t ever think that I get things easy
Don’t even think that I get what I want just because I had ‘experience’
I have no experience before I joined my current company as a freelance enrichment teacher
I’ve told you so many times but you kept insisting that I had one
Saying that I get relief class easily during my first 3 months because I was experienced.
I don’t know which part of my sentence you don’t understand
Whether you understand simple English
Because I am frustrated.

I understand that you are insecure, and you have all those unnecessary thoughts on how you might never get classes since you are considered in ad-hoc
But by saying that I got things easy in the past pissed me off big time
You didn’t even reply to my messages, that’s one
But you replied to XE in the group chat, that’s two

I honestly feel like I’ve given you a lot of encouragement and advises, that you’ve taken granted of
When I messaged about our ppt since we have to do it this coming Wednesday, then you replied me but only for that message, that’s three
You’ve been heavily depending on me and not ashamed of saying that you really rely on me, that’s four
I am not perfect. I might need your help too especially since I’m quite forgetful, but nope I couldn’t rely on you, that’s five
The girls you told me are “weird” just because they are different from the others?
They are the ones who have helped me out and are such kind angels.

E helped to correct my task out when she saw a mistake in my post in the Discussion Board.
She also helped to clarify my doubts even though she doesn’t know as well. 
M is such a positive and calm girl, we have something in common!
She struggled with depression, anorexia, and bulimia. 
I am struggling with bipolar disorder.
In a way, we have/had mental disorders and that made us clicked.
Both E and M are such encouraging souls.
As friends, we need to depend and rely on each other.
We need to encourage and motivate one another.
When it is one-sided, that’s not called friendship.
That’s just making use of a person for your own good.

I don’t know how I have to face you again on Tuesday,
But you know what?
I’m just going to let it go.
Whatever happens, happens
Because I’m in uni to study and to be a better-skilled and educated teacher
And I know I won’t be alone since I’ve made friends with everyone 

Mental Health, My Daily Life., Uni Life.

Tiiireeeddd!

My arms have been sore the whole day till it is difficult for me to wear my shirt, wash my back when showering and carrying simple things.

I guess I have torn a bit of my muscles yesterday. Meh

Anyway, today I spent the time preparing for the guests this evening. Mom’s colleagues will be coming over for Eid / Hari Raya later.

Alhamdulillah the food has been prepared!

I helped with making the achar, filling up tupperware containers with Eid / Hari Raya snacks and cakes, preparing the green disposable cutleries and cups on the table, attaching garbage bag near the door, vacuuming the whole house and throwing away the rubbish.

We finally got to eat at 1700h, and get changed before the guests’ arrival.

I’m honestly a bit stressing out about school…

Last night, I managed to get into my new email account for uni, dashboard, blackboard, the subject calendars for each module, the tasks and assignments…

Oh it was overwhelming and quite intimidating.

Maybe I should take some time to organise my schedule, reading the subject calendars and seeing which textbooks I should get for this coming first trimester.

Oh speaking about calendars and scheduling, does anyone of you know how to sync Microsoft Calendar to an iPhone?

 

Mental Health, Uni Life.

Anxiety is real.

I just checked my email and found out that Games Day for Orientation is a looooooong day!

From 1000h till 2000h?

I feel like we can go back home at any time after 1800h since the last programme will be ‘BBQ Dinner’.

However, the main problem is… games. I am not a fan of games especially after meeting new people.

I get extreme anxious already from meeting new people, what more when playing games?

I hate the feeling of people watching me.

I hate being watched especially when I have to do something that I’m not good at.

I tend to tremble and become a klutz due to my anxiety.

howhowhowhowhowhowcanIsurvivethisday

 

xoxo

Amira

Mental Health, My Daily Life.

Squishy as stress relievers?

Last night, mom and I went to Straits Kitchen, Grand Hyatt Singapore, for a reunion dinner with mom’s nursing batch. Boyfriend’s parents and younger brother came too since our mothers are good friends since nursing school… with the same name. Pretty cool, eh? Anyway, the food was amazing but I didn’t eat a lot, maybe because I was tired? I just drank A LOT of hot water with lemon.

Food photos from last night:

img_0099img_0100img_0109img_0116img_0102img_0105img_0103img_0106img_0107img_0108img_0098img_0113img_0112img_0114img_0101img_0111img_0115img_0110

 

Little I, boyfriend’s younger brother, had a high fever and cough and he looked so weak when he was sitting in between his parents. When I asked him to come over to my place, grabbing a chair to sit beside me, he suddenly became energised (especially after I shared my hotspot with him).

And he showed me YouTube videos of squishies. Since the night he came over for Eid/Hari Raya, he had been showing me all these videos, and I told him, “Oh it’s not good for you because it’s toxic!

Guess what?

I HAVE BEEN SWAYED!

I got so tempted after he showed me a video titled, “If Squishies Didn’t Exist”, especially during the scene when she squished her squishy after doing her homework. I thought it would be a good idea especially when I’m starting school very soon!

As soon after that, I searched for squishies until I slept, around 0100h+? I looked at reviews in Youtube, and found these beautiful squishies that I might consider!

  1. Creamiicandy kitty cat ice cream mermaid scented squishy (S$30.04)
  • Scented
  • This squishy comes in its original packaging!
  • Licensed by Creamiicandy
  • size: ca. 15.5cm (6.1″)

 

 

  1. Mini blueberry bear pancake squishy by Puni Maru (S$23.57)
  • Scented
  • This squishy comes in its original packaging!
  • by Puni Maru
  • size: ca. 6.7cm (2.6″)

 

  1. Big blueberry jumbo bear pancake squishy by Puni Maru (S$32.42)
  • Scented
  • With chain and small charm
  • by Puni Maru
  • size: ca. 15cm (5.9″)

 

I honestly don’t know which to get, and whether I should chain it to my pencil case or leave it one at home on my desk… or both.

What do you think?

xoxo

Amira

Mental Health

Biggest Fear.

download (1)

 

Let’s talk about one of my biggest fears that I first had 2 years ago…

Mom and I were having a beautiful holiday in France, visiting my good friends, eating good food and basking in the beautiful ambience that was surrounding us. It was more than I could ever asked for!

However, it ended with something I referred and still refer to as DISASTROUS.

You see, I’ve never had problems with flying. In fact, I was always excited to get on plane, eating plane meals and looking out to beautiful skies and clouds.

Whenever we had turbulence, I remembered my mom telling, “The plane usually shakes like this especially when it goes through clouds,” and I looked out of the window to see that it was true! The window was icy cold as I touched it.

But everything changed during the night we were on the way home from France.

We took AirFrance back and it was a night flight. I thought to myself, that will be amazing since we can sleep in the plane.

Wrong.

We were just about to finish our dinner, when the plane started to shake.

It shook horribly, went up and down, causing my Coke to be spilled over the seat beside me.

On my far right, I saw a poor lady holding out her rosary as she prayed so hard for her life, on my left, the drunk passenger nervously laughed as the cabin crew had to sit at the empty seats, holding tightly for their dear lives… and me? I saw what a mess the turbulence had made, and I checked the map to see where we were located.

Romania.

Okay, Romania. We are not above the ocean, at least if this plane crashes, they will be able to find the plane easily. Yes. Okay. It’s okay. It won’t be as drastic as crashing down the ocean and disappear. Okay. I have no regrets… France was beautiful. If it’s the last place I had to see before I die, so be it.

Those were exactly my horrid thoughts.

I checked the map to make sure we weren’t above the ocean. It’s okay if we died as long as they can find the plane, you know?

Yes, that’s how horrible the turbulence was!

And no, I wasn’t the only one thinking about that.

My mom had the time to check too! She thought the exact same thing.

But I respected her for trying to calm myself down while everything was happening. I was having a panic attack, I was holding onto my seats so tight till my knuckles turned white and I tried to make sure my feet were planted on the ground.

What made my anxiety worse was the voice of the pilot… I can still hear his voice as I’m typing right now.

His worried and scared voice, but still, trying to calm us down due to the bad weather (maybe it’s due to winter).

It took ages until everything was fine. I was still shaking, even when I exhaled, my teeth were chattering so bad, they hurt. After that, I didn’t unbuckle throughout my journey.

I didn’t expect something so unexpected could take a huge toll on me. I once informed my therapist about this (when I was still seeing her), and she asked if I was feeling better.

Back then, I said everything was fine, BUT, I realised I wasn’t when I had to fly again. And again. And again. And again.

Before any plane flew off, I always tried to do breathing exercises while trying to look out of the window, or even forced myself to sleep… which I couldn’t.

However, on my recent fly back to Singapore from Hong Kong, I sat beside a young man around my age.

And seeing him clenching his fists, doing breathing exercise, being obviously anxious, had managed to calm myself down (is it bad of me for feeling this way?).

Oh I’m not alone! Don’t worry you’re not alone!
-My thoughts when I saw him.

Flying is one of my biggest fear now. The turbulence had pretty much given me PTSD and I don’t know how to face the music whenever it’s time to fly.

What are your tips and tricks when you experience turbulence?
And if you have fear of flying, what do you do to calm yourself down throughout the journey?

I would love to hear your inputs!

xoxo

Amira