UP or DOWN or ALL AROUND?

Last night, boyfriend’s parents and younger brother visited my house for Eid. They came all the way from Perth, Australia, to Singapore for Hari Raya / Eid.

I feel like I see his parents much more often than seeing him physically, because of how active his parents are in returning to Singapore every now and then! Haha it’s pretty amusing to think about it.

Surprisingly, Little I, finally salam my hands by kissing it instead of doing the usual fist bump. In my culture, we show respect to the elderly by kissing their right hand, and then put our right hand on the chest after that, to show how sincere it is.

Not everyone would do that though, maybe just me and those who are older. Kids don’t necessarily put their hand on the chest after kissing one’s hand.

I’ll try to see if I can share an example to show you how it actually is…

 

Filipinos do this too but they can use any hands, while we, only use our right hand, because the left is considered dirty (it’s what you use to clean yourself after doing business).

Anyway, it was a pleasant surprise. I didn’t expect him to do that last night honestly. I guess boyfriend told him to do that way to show respect since I’m much older?

But yea, I felt like I was a bit tired to handle his energy last night, along with how loud the voices of the elderly were, and the TV, I couldn’t hear him much and felt like I was forcing myself to play with him.

I had to tell him to sit somewhere near his mom, especially when there was a drama, and The Exorcist movie, THEN I felt better. Grounded.

My head was spinning when I had to give him my attention because it was honestly too much for me mentally.

I felt a bit guilty to be honest, but I need to do certain things that can be offensive, just so that my mind won’t be loud and hammering my head away. It didn’t feel good at all.

It felt like everyone around you talked at the same time, and you just looked around, lost, trying so hard to understand one thing after another, while the world around you was spinning.

After that, they decided to head back home with the chips and cakes that we have packed for them. When I was salam-ing boyfriend’s mom, my mouth automatically said, “Omg… I’m so sleepy.”

I was, indeed. I have not taken my Quetiapine yet but last night was rough for my mind. I felt so sleepy. I even accidentally knocked myself on the door when seeing them out.

However, instead of sleeping around 2300h after I took my Quetiapine, the last time I checked my phone, the time was 0130h, before I went to sleep.

BUT, I still woke up here and there, with nasal congestion, and then had to force myself to sleep again, and then got woken up again, forced to sleep again, until it was 0800h, when I couldn’t force myself to sleep anymore.

+++

I had to stop typing for a while just now because I’m just so tired but energetic at the same time.

I don’t know how and what I’m supposed to feel.

I honestly have no idea if it’s hypomania or I’m just tired.

But it’s so hard for me to try and take a nap nowadays, since I’ve never had a goodnight’s sleep for the past month plus. I can’t.

Am I having a mixed episode?

I can’t fathom myself anymore.

An hour ago, I have tons of creative juices to write in my blog to express myself and then a minute ago, I had the biggest brain fart.

I can’t blog for now. My mind is not crystal clear. Probably my thoughts are racing. I’m tired. I need sleep but I can’t sleep. Help. And my screen is starting to flicker non-stop. Stop.

Bipolar +Ramadan = ?

Good morning everyone!

My body had been aching the whole night because of the cold from the fan, and I finally found out the root of the cause in my obvious manic symptoms since early June.

I realised that during fasting, I would always have to wake up at 4am+ to have my suhoor, the last meal before I started fasting as soon as the sun rose.

I didn’t think that it would affect my moods and energy, because I thought it would be fine as long as I have a total of 7-8 hours of sleep, despite the sleep being disturbed in a way.

It just occurred to me this morning as I woke up to go to the toilet at 6am, that it may be the reason why. I felt there was a lightbulb that appeared out of my head as soon as that thought came to my mind.

I then googled to see if there were others who struggled the same as I did, and it turned out, that many Muslims who have mental illness, tend to relapse during Ramadan.

It makes sense since normal people get irritable and moody during that month, what more those who are struggling mentally?

Even bipolar patients who have stable lithium levels were reported to have manic symptoms during Ramadan.

Patients can choose not to fast especially when fasting can affect their mental health, risking their lives at the end of the day.

Instead, they have to feed one hungry person a day that they couldn’t fast. That was what I read from an Ustaz, and I honestly don’t know how to handle it again next year.

I know suhoor is important during Ramadan because it helps to give you energy throughout the day, so skipping suhoor is not going to be an option for me.

I’m already worrying about next year’s Ramadan when it’s not even December 2017.

I hope I will get a definite answer that will help me not only spiritually but mentally as well.
And whatever decision I make for next year’s Ramadan onwards, I pray that everything will be well. InsyaAllah.

Bipolar + Muslim = ?

We’re living in a world where hate is almost everywhere, the terrorist terrorising innocent victims, the hateful ignorant scums terrorising the innocent victims that they assumed as terrorists…

Being a Muslim with Bipolar Disorder in today’s world just gives me extreme anxiety, especially when I ‘ve been planning to move to Australia in the near future.

I’ve seen and read of Muslims being harassed, beaten and abused just because of a senseless violent group that chooses to resort in violence by putting Islam’s name in vain, when none of their shit is Islamic, honestly.

Attacking people, including children and women, for political and radical reason, with misquoting Quranic verses?

They don’t realise that they actually look like fools especially to us, Muslims.

Heck, the biggest victim of these morons are actually Muslims in the Middle East.

My heart aches when many mistook us for the ones carrying the swords, when in fact, the swords are actually pointed at us.

ISIS, Al Qaeda, JI, whatever their names will be, have a common goal: To create fear and separation between non-Muslims and Muslims.
The more separated we are from each other, the more pleased they will be, the happier and easier they will be to attack us.

But, the more united we are together regardless of race, language or religion, they can never get through us.

I’m actually grateful that I’m living in Singapore, a multicultural country with extremely tight security.

Everyone is always on the watch, and clueless youths who have been brainwashed by the ISIS’s social media platforms, have been efficiently caught by the police, especially when they were so blatant to fly to Syria to join the morons there, believing the ‘caliphate’ to be true. (Oh if only you can see how many times I rolled my eyes while typing this entry!)

If only I can shout out to the world that they don’t, didn’t and will never represent Islam. They are just rotten apples that don’t deserve to be born in the first place.
Yes, it is actually true that we Muslims are against terrorism, radicalism and extremism.

The media might not show the protest and condemnation made by Muslims against extremism, but trust me, we are sick of these idiots creating a ruckus everywhere.

So to clear everything up…

Yes, I do have bipolar disorder.
Yes, I do have dreams to be a full-time pre-school teacher.
Yes, I have hobbies, like eating, singing, reading.
I’m a Singaporean Muslim and I’m just like everyone else with aspirations and dreams.
And I’m not a terrorist.

With that, I’m going to end this post with Quranic verses that negates extremism,

“Oh People of the Book, don’t go extreme in your religion…”
-Surah An-Nisa’: 171

“There is no compulsion in religion.”
-Al-Baqarah: 256

“And say, ‘The truth is from your Lord, so whosoever wants let him believe and whosoever wants let him deny.”
-An-Nahl: 29